


But I cannot lose a lover and a friend

by Gottard



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Post-Divorce, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22425565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gottard/pseuds/Gottard
Summary: there are still some things that still need to be said
Relationships: John Egbert & Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41
Collections: June Egbert Jam





	But I cannot lose a lover and a friend

**Author's Note:**

> the title's from Left at London's Blacknwhite
> 
> this takes place not long after page 38 of candy

JOHN: hey, uh roxy?  
JOHN: can i talk to you about something?  


ROXY: evidence would suggest the affirmitave eggboy  


JOHN: ok cool.  
JOHN: so uh.  
JOHN: i’ve been thinking a lot about that talk we had a couple days ago.  


ROXY: hmm  


JOHN: like all that stuff about how this life is real and we have no choice but to keep living it? i think before i can really do that, i owe you another apology.  


ROXY: hmmmmmmm  


JOHN: don’t worry it’s not about weird timeline shit or whatever and i’m not trying to have another of my famous egbert pity parties i’m just trying to be honest because i think you deserve that?  


ROXY: *sigh* alright shoot  


JOHN: so uh, its more about how i never really understood you.  
JOHN: or that i never really tried to.  
JOHN: like the whole time we were together i never felt like i could really talk to you and it suddenly occurred to me that you probably felt the same way?  
JOHN: i was so mad that you wouldn’t tell me what you wanted that i didn’t even realize i never even bothered to ask.  
JOHN: like, when we first found out about harry anderson.  
JOHN: i suggested the name and you just agreed.  
JOHN: that weirded the hell out of me, but i never bothered to say “hey roxy do you have any suggestions for the name of our firstborn child?”  
JOHN: i just assumed you didn’t because you didn’t volunteer one.  
JOHN: i felt like you were hiding everything from me.  
JOHN: your feelings, your desires, whatever the hell would have happened if i went to go fight lord english.  
JOHN: but i was hiding stuff from you too.  
JOHN: the worst part is it was stuff i didn’t even have a reason to hide!  
JOHN: like, you would have just told me what was going on between you and callie if i ever bothered to ask right?  


ROXY: idk maybe?  
ROXY: i’m not super sure i fully understood what was happenin between the two of us back then  
ROXY: it was like somethin that might have been but just kinda didn’t feel as right after a while  
ROXY: it just started to feel farther away the more time passed  
ROXY: i just started livin my life and that was it i guess  
ROXY: and then she kinda just shut down after all that dead jade stuff  
ROXY: it was like she just turned off and i was out another friend  
ROXY: so what else could i do but lean super hard into the friendships i still had?  
ROXY: but i don’t mean to interrupt your self-flagellation please continue  


JOHN: i… hope that’s not what im doing but ok.  
JOHN: so uh  
JOHN: part of it was that i could never really tell what you were thinking.  
JOHN: maybe that was your voidy powers or maybe i’m just a dumbass.  


ROXY: little bit of column a, lotta bit of column b  


JOHN: but, i started to think you weren’t even real.  
JOHN: that basically no one was.  
JOHN: i felt like i was literally alone in the world.  
JOHN: like what does it fucking say about me that i was more ready to believe that you were some kind of paradox space replicon than that you were just bad at standing up to me?  


ROXY: nothin flatterin tbh  


JOHN: ok fair i deserve that.  


ROXY: what were you hidin from me?  


JOHN: oh uh, yeah this is actually kind of hard to say.  
JOHN: i think the main thing was how much i was texting terezi.  
JOHN: for a while she felt like the only person i could really talk to?  
JOHN: we chatted a lot over the years.  
JOHN: every time i got overwhelmed by something, she was the first person i turned to.  
JOHN: it felt like she was more real, more alive somehow.  
JOHN: but honestly, i think it was more that we were both just fucking depressed.  
JOHN: she was just as fucked up as i was.  
JOHN: just as sad and stupid and stubborn.  
JOHN: it was like we were on equal footing.  
JOHN: i guess i hid it from you because on some level it felt like cheating?  
JOHN: all we ever did was talk but it was like, real talk if that makes sense?  
JOHN: i felt so guilty that i was more emotionally invested in my conversations with my weird alien friend jetpacking around space a bagillion miles away than i was in whatever my actual family was doing in the same fucking house as me?  
JOHN: i was ashamed but never enough to stop?  


ROXY: huh  
ROXY: i’m not rly sure what to do with that information  
ROXY: like it explains a lot but also raises a bunch of questions im not sure i want the answers to  


JOHN: wow, uh maybe that was worse than i thought.  
JOHN: fuck i don’t know.  
JOHN: the point is i should have told you way fucking earlier.  
JOHN: hell, maybe we should have gotten divorced way fucking earlier.  
JOHN: honestly splitting up might have been the healthiest choice we could have made.  


ROXY: so, were you going to get to that apology anytime soon bud?  


JOHN: if i’m being honest, i’m not actually sorry about whatever it was that happened between me and terezi.  
JOHN: but i am sorry that i pretended things were ok when they weren’t, that i was happy when i wasn’t.  
JOHN: bottom line, i’m sorry i didn’t put in the work to know you.  


ROXY: you really suck at apologizin you know that?  


JOHN: uh yeah, im getting that impression.  


ROXY: ok fine ill accept your lame non-apology if you promise this is last time we have to have this conversation.  
ROXY: why don’t we both just try to move on ok?  


JOHN: yeah ok. i think that’s probably a good plan.  
JOHN: honestly, i think what bothered me most about our relationship is that i really missed being your friend?  
JOHN: i miss when i could just talk to you about whatever without constantly feeling like a huge asshole?  
JOHN: do you think we could ever just, be friends again roxy?  


ROXY: huh  
ROXY: you were gone for so long john.  
ROXY: even when you were here you were just gone  
ROXY: plus, u pulled some real stupid shit  
ROXY: remember when you thought you could just kidnap my best friends son and everything would just be cool?  
ROXY: like what the fuck dude  
ROXY: i can’t just pretend none of it ever happened  
ROXY: i won’t  
ROXY: neither of us are the same people we were when we first met  
ROXY: acting like we can just go back to that is some stupid dumbshit  


JOHN: so let’s just move forward then.  
JOHN: you said it yourself you’ve got way more stops on the self actualization express.  
JOHN: i think i do too.  
JOHN: and frankly i could use a travel buddy.  
JOHN: we could ride together if you want.  
JOHN: with like, at least one buffer seat obviously.  


ROXY: you know, i think we’re probably in this together whether we like it or not  
ROXY: you n me, we went through some real shit together  
ROXY: in like at least three senses  


JOHN: heh  


ROXY: but we both came out the other end and here we fucking are i guess  
ROXY: i wont say things were good  
ROXY: but the way things are now, im ok?  
ROXY: i have harry anderson  
ROXY: we both do  
ROXY: and he’s probably the most important thing to me rn  
ROXY: he deserves to be able to rely on both of us  
ROXY: so if we get him a seat on that train too i think i might be able to swing that.  
ROXY: as hard as it might be to believe, i don’t hate u john.  
ROXY: i never really did.  
ROXY: id rather do this with you than without you  


JOHN: yeah?  


ROXY: yeah  


JOHN: …  


ROXY: …  


JOHN: hey  
JOHN: i want you to know that you can talk to me if you want to.  
JOHN: whatever else, going forward, im willing to listen.  
JOHN: i know shits weird, but i am here for you.  
JOHN: i haven’t always been super easy to communicate with.  
JOHN: but i want to make up for that if i can.  


ROXY: i mean sure dude if you wanna shoot the shit lets fuckin take aim  
ROXY: i can think of worse people to chat it up with i guess  


JOHN: haha I guess that’s a good start at least.  
JOHN: i want to be someone you can talk to.  
JOHN: i’ve been thinking about one thing you said the other day a lot actually.  
JOHN: like, i really wish i could have been someone you felt like you could’ve talked about your gender stuff with.  
JOHN: i might have actually had something to say.  
JOHN: i mean i’m not like trans gender or anything but everybody thinks about that stuff, sometimes right?  


ROXY: i’m goin to ignore the fact that you don’t know that transgender in one word.  


JOHN: but i definitely understand, like being jealous of people who get to be girls.  


ROXY: wait, what?  


JOHN: you know, i was really jealous of you when we first met.  
JOHN: i was also super jealous of vriska and terezi too come to think of it.  


ROXY: are you fucking with me egbert?  


JOHN: i’m pretty sure we’re past that point in our relationship roxy.  


ROXY: no you idiot, i’m bein serious.  
ROXY: john… are you tellin me that you’ve been jealous of every girl you’ve ever dated?  


JOHN: yeah, i guess so, that’s a weird coincidence huh?  


ROXY: oh my fuckin god.  
ROXY: ok sure were doing this I guess  
ROXY: alright what exactly were you jealous of?  


JOHN: you know, normal stuff.  
JOHN: uh i don’t know; it was like i wanted to be you? the way you looked was a big part, i guess?  
JOHN: i mean this in the most platonic and appropriate way possible but you’re really fucking hot.  


ROXY: yea, i am a total milf im well aware  


JOHN: i was definitely jealous of that. i never really felt like i looked good.  
JOHN: you can wear all those cool outfits i’d look ridiculous in.  
JOHN: I just had to wear my suit and tie and pretend to be happy about it.  


ROXY: don’t take this the wrong way bud, but you are the last person id would expect to be interested in fashion.  
ROXY: you’ve worn like four outfits in the past 10 years.  


JOHN: well yeah, i guess i thought it didn’t matter so i didn’t even try  
JOHN: but it was more than that? you had this sense of closeness with other girls in a way i never really felt.  
JOHN: you could just like, be comfortable around them.  


ROXY: you never had that sense of closeness with other men?  


JOHN: no? i’m not gay roxy. like, i love dave and karkat and all my other guy friends, but we were always just pals. i never really felt as close to them as like you and callie were.  


ROXY: john i’m gonna to ask you a question and i want you to answer honestly  


JOHN: uh ok.  


ROXY: if you could flip a switch and turn into a girl and not have anyone remember you were ever a boy would you?  


JOHN: i mean… maybe? the grass is always greener on the other side right? plus it’s not like you can change your gender just because you want to.  


ROXY: why not?  


JOHN: huh?  


ROXY: why not?  


JOHN: uhhhhhhhh… because you can’t? because i’m already this specific person and i can’t just suddenly be someone else?  
JOHN: because people already know me?  
JOHN: because im 36 and i have kid? i have like, responsibilities.  
JOHN: i can’t just upend all that.  
JOHN: i spent so long feeling like none of that mattered and you only managed to snap me out of that like what, a week ago?  
JOHN: i just started to put my life back together.  
JOHN: i can’t break it again.  
JOHN: i can’t just do that to harry anderson.  


ROXY: he’s a good kid, he’ll be fine, and he’d want you to be happy.  
ROXY: plus havin two moms is all the rage rn you know  
ROXY: all the cool kids are doin it  


JOHN: fuck roxy, look at me. i’m a giant slab of beef. i can’t just unzip my man suit and walk out.  


ROXY: girls come in all shapes and sizes john  


JOHN: yeah, i know but… oh fuck me.  


ROXY: you know i think i’ll pass


End file.
